Hell on Wheels
Release date: 5 October 2016
To all the derby girls out there, may your booty bump reign supreme.
Princess Valeda fled Hell to hide from her mad brother, but a war on her realm sees her dragged straight back there to seal a military alliance through marriage. Her betrothed? The Captain of Bloodshed and Slaughter, a royal bastard with blood black as night whose passion for her might prove as dangerous as the war with her brother. Valeda is going to need all of her wits, treachery and cunning—and some lessons learned through demon roller derby—to overcome her past, defeat the enemy and survive her marriage.
Browse the book and find buy links for all different sellers and formats here.
Extract
Valeda glanced at Missy who held no flask. If they were all friends, why wasn’t Missy imbibing? ‘You’re not drinking?’
‘I can’t, it makes me sleepy and I don’t want to fall asleep early on date night.’
Valeda idly toed a pebble with her boot. ‘What’s date night?’
Missy paused her petting. ‘You’ve never heard of date night?’
Moloss butted Missy’s hand with his head until she resumed petting him.
Pushy little rat. ‘Well, topside I have, but I can’t imagine it’s the same here. It’s always night here, for starters.’
Missy cocked her head. ‘They have a topside date night? Huh, how about that. What’s it like?’
Valeda grimaced. ‘Pretty sappy. The best way to describe it is that it’s a prearranged occasion on which an established human couple, usually those with children, enjoy a night out together.’ Zap! ‘Is that anything like your date night?’
Missy screwed her face up. ‘You mean it’s got nothing to do with derby?’
Valeda blinked. ‘Pardon?’
‘The captain’s trying to make date night less lethal but I still like a bit of smack a bitch.’
Smack a bitch? She shook her head. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
Missy frowned. ‘Date night, stupid. What’re you talking about?’
Valeda frowned back at her. ‘How can anything that involves beating up other she-demons be called “date night”?’
Missy flashed a coy smile. ‘Well, it’s just a game, a demon version of human roller derby.’
Of all the topside activities to be adopted in Hell, Valeda would never have picked roller derby. She’d read about it once or twice but could only recall the vaguest details. ‘Why do you like this human game?’
‘It’s incredibly violent but in a good way.’
Violent in a good way? Was that even possible? ‘And?’
‘It’s grade-A battle training and good PBR.’
‘PBR?’
Missy sighed. ‘Pre-battle rec.’
‘Which means?’ She earned herself another sigh.
‘Eat, drink, and shoot fire from our crotches for tomorrow we may die.’
Why was the crazy bitch singing the words? ‘And the captain approves of this?’ Valeda frowned. ‘What about your battle readiness?’
‘Well, usually it’s just scrimmage, so we’re not trying to hurt each other. Unless you really hate someone’s guts, of course.’ Missy grinned.
Of course. ‘What’s scrimmage?’
Missy scratched Moloss under the chin. ‘Scrimmage is a practice bout, training with your own team.’
Given the size of some of the she-demon soldiers, it had to be a bloodbath. ‘Are there many injuries?’
‘Nah, we limit that with the rules. There’s no punching—including tit punches—no king-hits, no eye-gouging, no kicking, no chokeholds, no locks, no fish-hooking, no tussling once out of bounds or once the game’s over.’
‘That’s it?’ Valeda lifted a wry brow.
‘No weapons, and no elemental powers if you’ve got ’em.’
‘Right.’
‘And no bush pushes, twat shots, boob blocks, cooter stomps or titty take-outs allowed.’
Despite not grasping the finer nuances of each term, Valeda winced. She cleared her throat. ‘Why take all the fun out of it?’
‘I know, right? I keep telling the captain but he won’t listen.’
To all the derby girls out there, may your booty bump reign supreme.
Princess Valeda fled Hell to hide from her mad brother, but a war on her realm sees her dragged straight back there to seal a military alliance through marriage. Her betrothed? The Captain of Bloodshed and Slaughter, a royal bastard with blood black as night whose passion for her might prove as dangerous as the war with her brother. Valeda is going to need all of her wits, treachery and cunning—and some lessons learned through demon roller derby—to overcome her past, defeat the enemy and survive her marriage.
Browse the book and find buy links for all different sellers and formats here.
Extract
Valeda glanced at Missy who held no flask. If they were all friends, why wasn’t Missy imbibing? ‘You’re not drinking?’
‘I can’t, it makes me sleepy and I don’t want to fall asleep early on date night.’
Valeda idly toed a pebble with her boot. ‘What’s date night?’
Missy paused her petting. ‘You’ve never heard of date night?’
Moloss butted Missy’s hand with his head until she resumed petting him.
Pushy little rat. ‘Well, topside I have, but I can’t imagine it’s the same here. It’s always night here, for starters.’
Missy cocked her head. ‘They have a topside date night? Huh, how about that. What’s it like?’
Valeda grimaced. ‘Pretty sappy. The best way to describe it is that it’s a prearranged occasion on which an established human couple, usually those with children, enjoy a night out together.’ Zap! ‘Is that anything like your date night?’
Missy screwed her face up. ‘You mean it’s got nothing to do with derby?’
Valeda blinked. ‘Pardon?’
‘The captain’s trying to make date night less lethal but I still like a bit of smack a bitch.’
Smack a bitch? She shook her head. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
Missy frowned. ‘Date night, stupid. What’re you talking about?’
Valeda frowned back at her. ‘How can anything that involves beating up other she-demons be called “date night”?’
Missy flashed a coy smile. ‘Well, it’s just a game, a demon version of human roller derby.’
Of all the topside activities to be adopted in Hell, Valeda would never have picked roller derby. She’d read about it once or twice but could only recall the vaguest details. ‘Why do you like this human game?’
‘It’s incredibly violent but in a good way.’
Violent in a good way? Was that even possible? ‘And?’
‘It’s grade-A battle training and good PBR.’
‘PBR?’
Missy sighed. ‘Pre-battle rec.’
‘Which means?’ She earned herself another sigh.
‘Eat, drink, and shoot fire from our crotches for tomorrow we may die.’
Why was the crazy bitch singing the words? ‘And the captain approves of this?’ Valeda frowned. ‘What about your battle readiness?’
‘Well, usually it’s just scrimmage, so we’re not trying to hurt each other. Unless you really hate someone’s guts, of course.’ Missy grinned.
Of course. ‘What’s scrimmage?’
Missy scratched Moloss under the chin. ‘Scrimmage is a practice bout, training with your own team.’
Given the size of some of the she-demon soldiers, it had to be a bloodbath. ‘Are there many injuries?’
‘Nah, we limit that with the rules. There’s no punching—including tit punches—no king-hits, no eye-gouging, no kicking, no chokeholds, no locks, no fish-hooking, no tussling once out of bounds or once the game’s over.’
‘That’s it?’ Valeda lifted a wry brow.
‘No weapons, and no elemental powers if you’ve got ’em.’
‘Right.’
‘And no bush pushes, twat shots, boob blocks, cooter stomps or titty take-outs allowed.’
Despite not grasping the finer nuances of each term, Valeda winced. She cleared her throat. ‘Why take all the fun out of it?’
‘I know, right? I keep telling the captain but he won’t listen.’